Your face is a jimmy john
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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