ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
