Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It's blow job season.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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