somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
