It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
