I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
