im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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