Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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