Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
