thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
