nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
