i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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