2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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