i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
