I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
