thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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