I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
