3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You ruined the universe
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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