I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
