Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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