Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
