I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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