he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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