So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
