Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
