How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
