She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think I have vodka in my lungs
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
