I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
