OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
