Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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