i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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