And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
