I've blown a few things in my day
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
