weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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