I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
