I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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