I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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