I love black thongs
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
