Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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