She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
