I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
