piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
