I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize