I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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