He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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