i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
