On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
