I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
This baby is an asshole
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
