Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
