I want to have your abortion
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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