when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
