My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Holy sore nipples Batman
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
