Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
