Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
